The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers. (delascabezas) wrote,
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.

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time to do a lot of things i don't want to

So I went to look at a slum hole today.

The apartment was OK. Spacious, with another person living in it, and very pre-1930's (with period-appropo lead based paint) The location was the pits, and the second floor door looked like SWAT had knocked it down at least three times.

News to some of you: Richelle and I have been having some bumpy times for several months running. For those who don't know, don't feel slighted you don't know - Ive been doing my best to try and make it not so. I am talking about both the rockiness and the knowing.

That is part of the reason I have remained pretty low profile. When you bend a lot of energy towards one goal, you don't always have a lot left to share. That is also part of the reason so many of my posts of late have been mopey complete wastes of time (and I don't mean the good kinds). I have not been sleeping well, and am at the end of several ropes, most notably emotional stability and tranquility.

I am not going to get into details. The situation is not hostile or hopeless, but it is not the best place to be right now. Neither one of us want the relationship "over with", but Richelle wants time and space. The only step forward, at this point, is a step backwards, if things are to work out. I have never been more afraid for that "pursuit of happiness" bit than I am today.

One of us has to move out.

As I am dogless, and make more money/have more credit, the process realistically falls to me. That is not to say Richelle is not looking, but rather, that it is probably more realistic that I will find something first. I am gonna have to toss some serious crap in storage, and I am gonna have to rebox my life for the third time this year. I am gonna have to buy things I didn't think I'd ever have to again, and part with things that someone else will need more than me.

I am going to have to buy a desk and a proper desk chair.

I am going to have to talk to my family about this.

This is harsh shit. Aside from the crappiness of the apartment I went to see today, I was somewhat unprepared for the hammer blow of emotional and intellectual doubt that landed somewhere between the base of my skull and my shoulders.

I feel like a bug on a pin right now, legs squirming into empty air.

I feel like a geode.

I feel like I am at the bottom of the longest hill I've ever had to climb, and I don't even want to be at the fucking hill to begin with.

Everything I have worked for has to change. My foci need to be repositioned, and my momentum needs to build, not only from a standstill, but rolling in a very different direction than the path I have been plotting for two years.

Almost to the day, ironically.

Why am I talking about all this crap?

Its like this. I am going to need help. If ya got leads, please forward them. If you are short on patience, especially because I've been a less than stellar friend of late, please dole out one more teaspoon while I try to get my shit nailed down.

I can't figure out how the fuck I got to this point. I just hope doing the right thing will lead to a manageable path. My batting average at this plate is not so good.
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