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time to do a lot of things i don't want to

So I went to look at a slum hole today.
Literally.

The apartment was OK. Spacious, with another person living in it, and very pre-1930's (with period-appropo lead based paint) The location was the pits, and the second floor door looked like SWAT had knocked it down at least three times.

News to some of you: Richelle and I have been having some bumpy times for several months running. For those who don't know, don't feel slighted you don't know - Ive been doing my best to try and make it not so. I am talking about both the rockiness and the knowing.

That is part of the reason I have remained pretty low profile. When you bend a lot of energy towards one goal, you don't always have a lot left to share. That is also part of the reason so many of my posts of late have been mopey complete wastes of time (and I don't mean the good kinds). I have not been sleeping well, and am at the end of several ropes, most notably emotional stability and tranquility.

I am not going to get into details. The situation is not hostile or hopeless, but it is not the best place to be right now. Neither one of us want the relationship "over with", but Richelle wants time and space. The only step forward, at this point, is a step backwards, if things are to work out. I have never been more afraid for that "pursuit of happiness" bit than I am today.

One of us has to move out.

As I am dogless, and make more money/have more credit, the process realistically falls to me. That is not to say Richelle is not looking, but rather, that it is probably more realistic that I will find something first. I am gonna have to toss some serious crap in storage, and I am gonna have to rebox my life for the third time this year. I am gonna have to buy things I didn't think I'd ever have to again, and part with things that someone else will need more than me.

I am going to have to buy a desk and a proper desk chair.

I am going to have to talk to my family about this.

This is harsh shit. Aside from the crappiness of the apartment I went to see today, I was somewhat unprepared for the hammer blow of emotional and intellectual doubt that landed somewhere between the base of my skull and my shoulders.

I feel like a bug on a pin right now, legs squirming into empty air.

I feel like a geode.

I feel like I am at the bottom of the longest hill I've ever had to climb, and I don't even want to be at the fucking hill to begin with.

Everything I have worked for has to change. My foci need to be repositioned, and my momentum needs to build, not only from a standstill, but rolling in a very different direction than the path I have been plotting for two years.

Almost to the day, ironically.

Why am I talking about all this crap?

Its like this. I am going to need help. If ya got leads, please forward them. If you are short on patience, especially because I've been a less than stellar friend of late, please dole out one more teaspoon while I try to get my shit nailed down.

I can't figure out how the fuck I got to this point. I just hope doing the right thing will lead to a manageable path. My batting average at this plate is not so good.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
bruteforcemethd
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
I don't have any apartment leads, but you should give me a ring anyway.
delascabezas
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:15 am (UTC)
i should and i will
this week, at some point - when, if ever is a good window to not interrupt you?
bruteforcemethd
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:50 am (UTC)
PSA:
anybody can call me anytime - if I can't pick up... I turn off the phone.
gaelfling
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:52 pm (UTC)
I wish I had a lead but...
my hope is that things may turn up for you- you deserve some good and now would be a great time for it to come your way

my best to you that everything might take a turn for the better :)
delascabezas
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:18 am (UTC)
thanks
my hopes too man
papersnowflakes
Sep. 19th, 2004 06:49 pm (UTC)
I am sorry. All I know to say is that I hope both you and Chell are okay and that everything works out for the best. I wish I could do something to help, but living on the other coast, I have no resources in NY. I don't even have any other friends who live in NY to ask if they have any leads. Oh, wait, I know one person. I will email her and put out the word that a friend is looking for an apartment. If you want to lemme know specifics (what you are looking for, price range, area, etc.), I will pass that on to her. If, that is, it would be of any help to you.
delascabezas
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:15 am (UTC)
wow thanks
i can afford around 800 a month without having to eat rame - i can push more, but am trying not to.

your best wishes mean a lot. thank you.
papersnowflakes
Sep. 20th, 2004 07:37 pm (UTC)
Re: wow thanks
No prob. I emailed my friend, but she said that she didn't have any leads to speak of. She said that if you haven't tried Craigslist (which is highly unlikely), that was the way to go. I guess that she has been in corporate housing the entire time she has been in NY (a year).

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
(Anonymous)
Sep. 19th, 2004 07:09 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, Bern.
It sucks that this had to happen, but I have some great news.

I just saved a bundle on my car insurance by switching to Geico®.
delascabezas
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:14 am (UTC)
butt-plug
BUTT - PLUG
mightywombat
Sep. 19th, 2004 11:04 pm (UTC)
Hey, I totally get where you are, I think. Let me know when you want to look at apartments and I'll come with you. Also, get in touch with pharminatrix and see if she's got any leads for you. She's a real estate thinger.
delascabezas
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:13 am (UTC)
tx fr the lead
i am not sure what i am doing yet - contemplating the possibility of storing all my stuff and couchbouncing for a while so i can save some ducats.

wouldn't be the first time.

i def have you in mind for the roomate situ, but i don't want to leave you hanging one way or the other until I know what is going on in terms of a timeline.

hopefully, everything will work out, but you know what thinking like that gets you =)
chellez
Sep. 20th, 2004 07:21 am (UTC)
=( I'm sorry for where things are.

I hope everyone here will give you the support you need, and you'll always have mine.
delascabezas
Sep. 20th, 2004 08:14 am (UTC)
thanks hon
things are what they are - we just have to work on moving forward. if we get stuck on the wheres and whys this will never work.
papersnowflakes
Sep. 20th, 2004 07:38 pm (UTC)
I hope you are okay Chell. I know you are taking your time and taking care of you right now (which is the way it should be), but I just wanted to let you know that we miss you.

:::HUG:::
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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delascabezas
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.
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