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With the days the way they are, you will probbaly be seeing much more of my life than reading about it in the near future. I promise this will not turn into a wholesale photoblog, but expect a good peppering.

I did not forget the face of my father-
My aim was true and straight,
like the path of the beam.

I did tremble at the voice of my father
For it was terrible-
Not in words or timbre,
But in rammification.

The shadow he casts is like
The scowl of a cloud, deciding to
Deprive a city block of sunshine.

Perhaps, like Russian dolls,
The Men of my clan are destined,
Or doomed,
To each be a little less than the one before.
Each one of us marveling
At how our predecessor could
Hold so much in one

I have so many things I have to do today. I mostly need to pick up my dry cleaning, and work on getting some sleep. I want to write (see above) but don't have the energy. I feel like a bricklayer with too much sand in his mix. What has come and gone in my life these past few months has left me realizing that I have, in good faith to something I was hopelessly optimistic about, strayed away from as a central tenet of my belief structure.

Oddly enough, it was rereading Musashi's Go Rin No Sho that made me realize part of the reason I have been unable to drag myself out of the funk that is my life. My expectations were too high. Dennis Leary, in his show "No Cure for Cancer" has an enormous bit about expectations of happiness. Some of it was echoed by the last Lewis Black show I saw.

Happiness is not a permenant state. To attempt to attain a permanent state of happiness is to invite strife across your threshold. Granted, strife doesn't need any invitations, but, like a 6 year old left home alone with warning, it delights in wreaking havoc when you are dumb enough to hold the door.

Leary's words:

"Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, allright?! "I'm not happy. I'm not happy." Nobody's happy, ok!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That's it, ok! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list!"

Lewis Black's bit (which I only saw once) basically illustrated the insanity of taking drugs to neither feel happy nor sad, out of fear of being sad all the time. He went on to compare the insanity of maintaining a constant styrafoam existance to recreational drug use, and pointed out that smoking a joint or popping a pill once in a while to lift your spirits or unwind is vastly preferable to taking a pill every day as a preventative measure.

Either way, it is the denial of the transitive nature of existance that makes us hairless apes so goddamn unstable in numbers greater than one. I need to get back to living in the moment, and stop feeling shitty about the fact that I don't have what I once did. I had a run a good bit longer than 5 seconds there, and I should shut the fuck up already, and be content with that.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC)
i'll go with carlin on this one - to paraphrase: most people aren't happy because their needs are not being met. you know what i say to that? cut back on some of your fucking needs
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
I'l counter your carlin with a 4/4 wall of ginsberg
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power
mad. She wants to take our cars from out our
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Readers'
Digest. Her wants our auto plants in Siberia.
Him big bureaucracy running our fillingsta-
That no good. Ugh. Him make Indians learn read.
Him need big black niggers. Hah. Her make us
all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in
the television set.
America is this correct?

My needs are pretty fucking simple. I just have to keep them in perspective.
Jan. 27th, 2005 02:00 am (UTC)
Re: I'l counter your carlin with a 4/4 wall of ginsberg
i'm obviously not on enough drugs to fully understand this. i must correct that.
speaking of which, you do still owe me a drink or seven
Jan. 27th, 2005 02:06 pm (UTC)
come down to the city tonight!
loco night!
fat black pussycat.
Jan. 27th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
Re: mm
-8 degree windchill and i dont get paid until tomorrow

that being said, maybe....
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:58 pm (UTC)
I loooooooooooooooooove Denis Leary!
Jan. 26th, 2005 03:03 pm (UTC)
if you dont like Leary, you have no soul.
Jan. 26th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
PS. cool icon.
Jan. 26th, 2005 03:05 pm (UTC)
Jan. 26th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
its funny i was just talking to a friend of mine last night how everyone is unhappy except for a few moments.

Shit, my life has "improved" drastically over the last 8 months or so.
I make ok money, i have a place, i still eat ok (even if i do miss homecookin), and i even manage to get some action every once ina while. But i am still as stoneed face as ever.

thats life and boy do i need to win the lotto quick!
Jan. 26th, 2005 03:23 pm (UTC)
I need to get back to living in the moment

My constant struggle.

In other news, dinner Thursday?
Jan. 26th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
that russian dolls image is really nice.
Jan. 27th, 2005 02:07 pm (UTC)
i need to get back to some poetry - much less intense than striaght up storywritin, but i can still get some good images out there.
Jan. 27th, 2005 12:40 am (UTC)
that and the fact that, unlike say, zebras (the animal used in the title of a book called something like Why Don't Zebras Get Ulcers?), the human animal cannot distinguish between physical and psychological stress. therefor all stress has the potential to be long-lasting distress.
Jan. 27th, 2005 02:11 pm (UTC)
i actually read that book
Jan. 27th, 2005 03:29 pm (UTC)
Re: yeah
thanks, just put it on my wish list. *grin*
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )


Steam Escaping!
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.

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