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I have been intolerably unfair to some people in my life. For better or worse, most of those people seem to have been those who have my best intentions at heart. I am being unfair s I write this, out of a combination of emotional exhaustion, and selfishness.

Why is this?

Maybe because to see what I really need or want, someone needs to be close enough to hurt me. I've been hurt enough that I don't want it anymore. I've got enough scrapes on my hull, at a relatively young age, that at this point, I think I'd rather not brave the shoals for profit, because their might be reefs. I've chalked up every encounter I've had twisting my life to someone else's as a bad scrape. When the fuck do you just pull the boat off the surf?

There always seem to be fucking reefs. Coral takes thousands of years to grow, and months for us to kill, but it has definitely spilt its share of unwary blood over the years.

Since I was very young, I've seen what I can do as a catalyst. I am not the strong personality that everyone knows and loves. I am the one that finds the cracks and patches them, or bounces off the myriads of hopes, dreams, and fantasies that people carry around like brightly colored scarves in the winter. I amplify them - I question people's bases. Not in any attempt to twist them to my way of thinking, but rather to just change the way that they think. I am a fixer, a problem solver, and an insight grabber. I insinuate myself. I skulk in the side door, I don't ring the bell, or use the front door, If I am using the front door, it is because I want to see who slips out the side door while someone is answering the front door.

I overcommuinicate. I can find the high and low ground pretty fast in a conversation or a group dynamic. I can think on my feet. My appearance, my clothes - they are a test in other people's interactivity. I could meld, or stand out - I have done both to both extremes over the years. I try to stand out without standing out, and see what people make of me. Catching people off guard is easier when they expect one thing visually, and get another conversationally. I have built myself, worked myself, honed myself with all the aspects of my personality bent towards being something that I am not.

My family has seen this time and again. I am a black sheep in the home flock. Not that I am an unloved sheep, but I just don't fit any of the molds in the closet. I am not exactly viewed as flawed for that, but I am certainly left out of some things as a result of it. They do love me, but on their terms. What I am is not what they want me to be, or think that I could be. Individually or on a whole, the biological entities tied to me by blood or birth have never really delved past the hull in well over a decade.

I've done a lot of soul-searching recently. What I am finding is not the best. Hamlet's musing on slings and arrows, and what dreams may come beyond the departure of our state - I've had that soliloquy running nightly for what seems like forever, what is really just weeks. I don't even believe in souls, not in a conventional sense. There are too many questions about the nature of reality, or the reality of reality to make suppositions about a level beyond it.

What I find is a scaffold without a building. I am fantastic working with structure, but am not structure myself. When I am not put to use correctly, I am lying in commercial space somewhere. I always try to bring out the strengths in people. It is part of my code, since the times where I tried to take advantage of the weaknesses. That leaves me in an awkward moral position in a culture and time that largely believes weaknesses are to be treated or exploited, but never cured.


wimp. wimp.

kinda like a cloud i was up way up in the sky.
and i was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe.
sometimes i don't believe them myself and i decided i was never coming down.

just then a tiny little dot caught my eye.
it was just about too small to see.
but i watched it way too long.
that dot was pulling me down.

i was up above it.
i was up above it.
i was up above it.
i was up above it.
now i'm down in it

shut up.
so what what does it matter now.
i was swimming in the hate now i crawl on the ground.
and everything i never liked about you is kind of seeping into me.
i try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out.
i guess the jokes on me.

i used to be so big and strong.
i used to know my right from wrong.
i used to never be afraid.
i used to be somebody.

i used to have something inside.
now just this hole it's open wide.
used to want it all.
i used to be somebody.

i'll cross my heart and hope to die.
but the needle's already in my eye.
and all the world's weight is on my back and i don't even know why.
and what i used to think was me is just a fading memory.
i looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."

rain rain go away.
come again some other day.

na na na na na na na na.

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
ttam
Jan. 31st, 2005 02:21 am (UTC)
Please take this in the spirit of the internet

Dude, will you sign my yearbook?
delascabezas
Jan. 31st, 2005 02:06 pm (UTC)
taken in kind
only if you sign mine first. i don't want to be the loser with no sigs.

good luck on the real estate antics.
elspeth
Jan. 31st, 2005 12:38 pm (UTC)
Maybe now is the time to turn inward.
To reflect on yourself.
To focus on yourself... your cracks, decide what needs patching.

Screw everyone else.
timaeusdaspirge
Jan. 31st, 2005 02:04 pm (UTC)
10+ years now i've been singing that song - and that's as someone who's probably benefitted, if not the most, than close to, from his attitude being otherwise
timaeusdaspirge
Jan. 31st, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
man, we have -got- to get together for a confab soon - i know, i know, sat. was my boo. when are you available this week?
moogle730
Jan. 31st, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
Just Passing By, Again
I had this good post which took me about 10 minutes to write and BLAM! my computer crashes…

As I was reading your post, I could not help but to feel a kinship towards you in some of the things you were saying. A kinship in some of the ways that you felt. A presence of absence, if I may say so. I have met some very intelligent people in my lifetime, and I have to put you on the top three in raw intelligence and ability. This shocks me because I have only met you once, and have been reading your "musings" for about 3 months now. In such a short time, you have not only displayed a character of the highest caliber, but an intellignece that is a mark of pedigree. Unfortunately, as I am finding in this life, ignorance is truly bliss. Of all of the intelligent people I have met, I would only name one as being happy. The only thing that kept this man happy was a faith in his God that some people admired, and some people detested, but there it was nonetheless. I think that intelliegnt people have high expectations of themselves that life does not let them attain, or does not let them in the way they wanted. We work a third of our days away, that is if we are one of the lucky ones that have a job, and by the time we get home and do what nature requires of us, we have very little time to accomplish what we WANT to. Because of the things the way they are today, some of the most intelligent people's voices may never be heard. That being said, I think that most people need to find purpose. Whether pagan, christian, buddhist, atheist or an islamic suicide bomber, you have to find purpose. I struggle with this every day. Once you find purpose, you make your way towards it by your means, and everything will turn out alright. Hell, by the time you get to the end of that path, you might find yourself kicking in the front door, taking names and asking questions later…
delascabezas
Jan. 31st, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC)
similar problem responding
stupid webclient - i will respond more thuroughly in kind later =) thanks for the thoughts.
(Anonymous)
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:33 am (UTC)
On Intelligence and Happiness, or..
as Billy Collins says:

On Turning Ten

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light --
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.
It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I would shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.
delascabezas
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:00 pm (UTC)
heh
billy collins is a smart mofo
moogle730
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re: heh
He sure is. I think about alot of the same things even today. I can't believe how much we change… I WAS INVINCIBLE, teehee!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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Steam Escaping!
delascabezas
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.
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