Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically challenged persons who couldn't pass ninth/tenth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. This includes any or all members of the medical, legal, or political profession who consider creationism a viable theory, or who refuse to uphold the wishes of living wills based on "higher ethical/spiritual standards". I believe in Dinosaurs, and not just becuase they wouldn't have fit on Noah's ark.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a well aged single barrel scotch, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the hypercritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these fuckheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma. As GYWO says: send the feeding tubes to Africa, where they can do some good.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know
these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to work the wheel of karma in such a manner that I am reincarnated as an angry swarm of anus seeking army ants.
Any proceeds made from my name should go to offset whatever debt remains in the wake of my passing. Beyond that, any and all proceeds should be donated to the PTF. Under no circumstance is my name to be used to support a "culture of life" movement. Furthermore, all functioning organs which can be usefully harvested from my body should be harvested from my body, in order to support life in a realistic manner. If needs be, I should be relocated to California for the process, where they at least have the good sense to realize that a noggin full of pink slushie doesn't mean the rest of your organs can't save a life.
Gimme some witnesses in the comments folks.