Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Even at my peak, I never went too over the top.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Comics don't like to see other comics do well.

Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity.

Usually, the stuff that's your best idea or work is going to be attacked the most.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.