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about outta coke

tomorrow is my last day here, and i am trying to wind down and document everything. unfortunately, fate appears to be determined too prevent this by throwing three times the number of direct operational issues at me than is normal for a given week, in a two day period.

there are times when i wish i didn't keep statistics on these things, just so that i wouldn't feel so steamed when i can quantify them.

mostly, right now, i am totally spent. i've been working like a madman to get things done, and am really concerned about my energy reserves going into a new shop on thursday, and having to make a professional appearance. usually the first day or two is mostly handshakes and whatnot, but i still want to be sharp, and present myself well.

with so much change ahead of me, it is hard to predict how things will go. it is my hope that i will have my hands in the pies that i want them to be in, in an institution willing to put me in a position where my thoughts/goals/experience is viewed in a much more central light, as opposed to the peripheral consideration it has been given thus far. time will tell. i am sure it will not be all rainbows and puffy clouds, but i am hoping i have way more clear skies than thunderheads in my future.

i'm excited at prospects. for the first time, however, i am jaded about a new opportunity, simply because of the way that i have seen the politics mirrored from institution to institution. i am really trying to start best foot forward, but my life-planning strategy which dictates planning for the best and expecting the worst seems to be the predominant undercurrent to my upcoming move.

my greatest consolation is that the meaningful relationships i have made here will survive my transition, at least if i have anything to say about it. what will be, will be. the framework of the world changes a lot when you start considering a job as a career. i am certainly at that stage in my life, and it seems like i have a good leg up on it, but it is still kind of frightening to consider the prospect of doing this stuff for another forty years. assuming the house of cards doesn't collapse, that is what it will probably be, barring some intervention of fate or windfall.

one question a couple people have asked me is i am scared. challenges don't scare me, neither does work. my fears are pretty deep rooted, exotic, and, for the most part, rooted in non-substantial things as opposed to mechanical day-to-day stuff. what was the last thing that scared you?


Mar. 20th, 2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
Re: hmm
i had a terrible nightmare as a child about drowning in a well, which then turned into the ocean, and a shark passed by me once, twice, and as i turned the third time it was right in front of me and opened its mouth and i screamed and woke up.

i have no idea what the shark could do to me, considering i'm almost never in the water, but they scare the shit out of me.

here endeth our journey into my childhood psychoses.
Mar. 20th, 2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
childhood is complicated i guess
But this is my point, in a way. your fear of the tank was based on a sequence of disturbing things that were in a dream you had as a kid. it is not like you were just straight up afraid that the shark was going to maul you. many people have fears/phobias that are directly cause/effect. some people are afraid of heights because they fell off a roof, or afraid of fires because their entire family got burned up in one. fear born of trauma is pretty direct, and, in a way, much easier to deal with than the kinds of fears i have, and the kind of fear you are describing.


Steam Escaping!
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.

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