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not having your cake and eating it too

generally speaking, i'm a social creature by nature.

in the past few months ok, lets be honest, it has been a year, i've had stresses, both personal and professional, which has left me less than social than usual.

i miss my friends, i miss being social every weekend, but there are only so many hours (and dollars) to go around. despite missing my friends, change seems to be the MO in people's lives at the moment, and as that change settles in, who is to say that there will be things for me to miss anymore? folks are having kids, relocating, getting married, moving on, moving up, moving out... i guess i always figured i'd have enough lifelines that as crowds drifted apart, the remnants would be able to gel together. maybe they will, but i don't know that i'll be a part of the new neucleus. i'm not sure how that makes me feel. i keep bailing or fluxing out of people's plans - i'm sure that makes them feel like i don't care, or that stuff doesn't matter - that just plain isin't the case. what has changed is my ability to drop anything/everything and go, as i once did. i've had to give that up for other things. i can't say it is a totally even trade on all levels, but, so far, the benefits far outweigh the negatives, at least from an experential standpoint. sometimes, when i hear what i am missing, i wonder about that.

i can't say i regret the positive side of the decisions/commitments/resolutions i made a year ago, but i definitely have some whiplash from the hidnsight. experience and hopefullness often run akimbo - whenever i should be pessimistic about something, i end up being a downer, because things work out. when i hope for the best, i get my knees cut out when things blow up. i'm trying to stick to the middle waters - not an easy task. it has been quite a year - good and bad. life, and i have changed enough that it is hard to see the same person sometimes - i feel like my core has stayed the same, but a lot of the wrappings have changed. i wonder if, ultimately, the packaging changes the product?

my point is, even if i have been a really bad friend, and you still consider me a friend, please keep doing so - i'm gonna pull out of the tailspin soon (i hope) and when i do, i'll actually have some money (and some time) to re-connect and have some fun.

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Comments

pharminatrix
Aug. 18th, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
You rock, B. Also, aside from specific details, you and I are definitely on the same page here. Lemme know when/if drinks would be cool.

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delascabezas
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.
delascabezas.com

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