More tonight, but i don't really want to talk about work.
I've had some real boilers of potential posts out there in the past few weeks - the election, the economy, side projects... Big sweeping ideas for posts that I have in the subway, or that I am mulling over as I drift off to sleep.
What I lack is time to make them concrete.
Nano has been killing me. I'm trying, I really am, to keep my work going. I'm not even looking at wordcounts, partially because I know it will depress me, partially because I don't want to try and rush the story. It has rekindled a project in me that i didn't even know still had banked embers. It has also led me to procrastinate, but even doing that has been productive - I've done gobs of work on my RPG, and, as I said, come up with a dozen new ideas. My brain works differently when i spend more energy creatively. I wish i could do it all the time.
I'm filled with fear at where we have gotten - as a nation, and as a species. we are living in unprescidented times. As someone i was talking to last night said "I don't think anyone ever has had it as good as Americans have had it in the last century." I can't argue with that, and yet it is still so broken - it could be so much better, not just for Americans. We are right on the edge between a layer of creation which could signifigantly change our species, yet it is so far from being done in a way in which it really will. I'm far more concerned with a new wave of bio-techno-feudalism than I am hopeful that change will come to us all in good, affordable ways.
Too much Philosophy, too much Theology, too much fucking theory. My head is busting with the stuff, and everything I talk about, everything I do, is echoing all that heavy thinking others have done before me. I'm beset by this constant sillibant soundtrack that comes and goes dependong on if I am actively thinking about what I am doing, or just going through the motions, as we are trained to do from a fairly early age.
I yearn for a lifeline, a brain-anchor, something absolute to cling to in the midst of all this, and sadly, I've not had that for a really long time. Reflecting like this doesn't make me want to find one, it just makes me more jaded - my only dependable absolute is Murphy's Law.