1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every
one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each
question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if
I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following :
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered
by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more
detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking
about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course,
is Buy a Lotus and a Boat). No matter how you answer this, be prepared
for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines :
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -