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In order to better serve your needs, please answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you will need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct repsonse to comments or suggestions.

How did you find out about your god?

  • Newspaper

  • New Testament

  • Torah

  • Book of Mormon

  • Koran

  • Other Book

  • Television

  • Divine inspiration

  • Word of Mouth

  • Dead Sea Scrolls

  • Internet Banner Ad

  • Near-death experience

  • Near-life experience

  • My momma done told me

  • Tabloid

  • Burning Shrubbery

  • Who?

  • Other ____________



After examining the media listed above, which model did you decide to invest your faith in?

  • God of Israel

  • Allah

  • Krishna

  • Buddah

  • Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)

  • Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)

  • Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)

  • Gia/Mother Earth

  • Great Old Ones

  • None; Taken by a false god

  • Other ____________



Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in working order?

  • Yes

  • No



If no, please specify problem below:

  • Not eternal

  • Not Omniscent

  • Not Omnipotent

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<i>In order to better serve your needs, please answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you will need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct repsonse to comments or suggestions.</i>

<b>How did you find out about your god?</b>
<ul>
<li>Newspaper </li>
<li>New Testament </li>
<li>Torah </li>
<li> Book of Mormon </li>
<li>Koran </li>
<li>Other Book </li>
<li>Television </li>
<li>Divine inspiration </li>
<li>Word of Mouth </li>
<li>Dead Sea Scrolls </li>
<li>Internet Banner Ad </li>
<li>Near-death experience </li>
<li>Near-life experience </li>
<li>My momma done told me </li>
<li>Tabloid</li>
<li>Burning Shrubbery</li>
<li>Who?</li>
<li>Other ____________</li>
</ul>

<b>After examining the media listed above, which model did you decide to invest your faith in?</b>
<ul>
<li>God of Israel </li>
<li>Allah </li>
<li>Krishna </li>
<li>Buddah </li>
<li>Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack) </li>
<li>Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack) </li>
<li>Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack) </li>
<li>Gia/Mother Earth </li>
<li>Great Old Ones </li>
<li>None; Taken by a false god </li>
<li>Other ____________ </li>
</ul>

<b>Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in working order?</b>
<ul>
<li>Yes </li>
<li>No </li>
</ul>

<b>If no, please specify problem below:</b>
<ul>
<li>Not eternal </li>
<li>Not Omniscent </li>
<li>Not Omnipotent </li>
<liFinite space/Does not occupy or inhabit entire universe> </li>
<li>Permist sex outside marriage </li>
<li>Prohibits sex outside of marriage </li>
<li>Not infalliable (2 bush presidents, Geraldo Rivera, Martha Stewart) </li>
<li>When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched </li>
<li>Requires burnt offerings </li>
<li>Requires virgin sacrifices> </li>
<li>Plays dice with the universe </li>
<li>Requires restrictive diet and funny clothing/headgear/body alteration </li>
</ul>

<b>What factors were relevant in your decision to aquire a god? Choose all that apply:</b>
<ul>
<li>Indoctrinated by parents </li>
<li>Needed reason to live </li>
<li>Indoctrinated by local culture/peers </li>
<li>Need target for rage/complaints </li>
<li>Imaginary freind grew up </li>
<li>Hate to think for self </li>
<li>Wanted to meet girls/boys </li>
<li>Wanted to invest life serveng a god, to meet boys </li>
<li>Fear of death/lack of afterlife </li>
<li>To tick of parents </li>
<li>Needed 1 day off a week </li>
<li>Enjoy organ music </li>
<li>Needed to feel morally superior </li>
<li>Needed focus on whom to despise. </li>
<li>Needed to fill the void after i found out truth about Tooth Fairy </li>
<li>Shrubbery caught on fire and forced conversion </li>
</ul>

<b>Are you currently using any other source of temptation in addition to your god? Choose all that apply:</b>
<ul>
<li>Self-help literature/film </li>
<li>Tarot or Astrology </li>
<li>Star Trek reruns (or one of the "new series") </li>
<li>fortune cookies </li>
<li>Dear Abby </li>
<li>Psychic Freinds </li>
<li>Dianetics </li>
<li>Playboy and/or Playgirl </li>
<li>Sex, Drugs, and /or Rock and Roll </li>
<li>Biorhythms </li>
<li>EST </li>
<li>Television </li>
<li>Mantras </li>
<li>Jimmy Swaggart </li>
<li>Crystals (not including drug item above) </li>
<li>Human Sacrifice </li>
<li>Wandering in desert without food or water </li>
<li>Burning Shrubbery </li>
<li>Other ___________ </li>
</ul>

<b>Have you worshipped any false gods before? If yes, please specify which:</b>
<ul>
<li>Baal </li>
<li>Mick Jagger </li>
<li>Beelzebub </li>
<li>$ </li>
<li>Bill Gates </li>
<li>The Great Pumpkin </li>
<li>Ronald Regan </li>
<li>A burning cabbage (cabbages are vegtables, not shrubberies) </li>
<li>Mushrooms </li>
<li>The Golden Arches </li>
<li>The Conservative Right </li>
<li>The Lotto </li>
<li>A Major Automobile Manufacturer </li>
<li>Other _________ </li>
</ul>

<b>You god should employ a certain level of Divine Intervention to preserve the balace between "felt presence" and "blind faith". What is your preferred level of interaction?</b>
<ul>
<li>More DI </li>
<li>Less DI </li>
<li>Current Levels Acceptable </li>
<li>Don't Know - What is DI? </li>
<li>Other _________ </li>
</ul>

<b>Your god should also attempt to maintain a balance between disaster and miracle...please rate your god's handling of the flollowing (note disasters and miracles may be inercahngeable between some faiths):</b>
<ul>
<li>_____ Flood </li>
<li>_____ Famine </li>
<li>_____ Earthquakes </li>
<li>_____ War </li>
<li>_____ Pestilience </li>
<li>_____ Plague </li>
<li>_____ AOL </li>
<li>_____ Jerry Lewis </li>
<li>_____ Dubya </li>
<li>_____ Barbara Streisand </li>
<li>_____ Your last relationship </li>
<li>_____ A Republican Congress </li>
<li>_____ Spontaneous Remissions</li>
<li>_____ Crying statues </li>
<li>_____ Hiking on Liquids</li>
<li>_____ Stationary stars/planets/celestial bodies </li>
<li>_____ Self-programming/timesetting VCR's </li>
<li>_____ Clear and competent presidential addresses </li>
<li>_____ Changing water to wine </li>
<li>_____ Balancing the budget with deficit financing </li>
<li>_____ Your Current relationship</li>
<li>_____ Long strands of interthreaded reincarnation </li>
<li>_____ Ending world hunger/suffering</li>
</ul>

<b>Rate the following on a scale of 1-5
Your god's:</b>
<ul>
<li>_____ Courtesy </li>
<li>_____ Promptness in responding to prayers </li>
<li>_____ Ability to meet 48 hour prayer resolution goal </li>
<li>_____ Ability to meet your spiritual needs </li>
<li>_____ Ability to establish a firm message to faithful without dogmatic docterine or obscure languages </li>
<li>_____ Ability to manifest without casuing irriverseable harm to believers or nearby shrubbery </li>
</ul>

Any additional comments may be written on the back of this form, or submitted in a letter along with this survey. Please note at this time, it is impossible to list a mailing address for you to send this survey to, as the varied PR firms of the different pantheonic presences are rather diverse in thier physical locations, and we have no way of knowing what, if any god you believe in. Therefore, we could not possibly before hand tell you where to send it.

Your best bet is to answer this questionairre in full, then refer it to either your local divine intermediary, or, in the case of an intermediary not being available, pray for guidance as to where the form should be sent.

When you find out, we'll be sure to send you back a notice of receipt.

Thank you,
-The Management

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Steam Escaping!
delascabezas
The Son of the last of a long line of thinkers.
delascabezas.com

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